New Year's Boast

I've recently picked up the idea of a New Year's Boast. An old Viking tradition of bragging and talking themselves up with nigh-impossible goals. Big things like sailing to the moon and conquering the moon men and bringing back their moon treasures. One thousand percent horseshit that gets thicker and heap-ier the more mead they guzzle.

Well I can't drink mead [it's amongst my Reacting To That alcohols] but I can make up horseshit with the best of them. Evidence: My likelihood of hitting 5K total flash fictions this year. So, with the aim of (a) having a lot of fun, (b) going for a laugh, (3) not actually expecting to do any of it, but, (d) considering it a super fabulous bonus if I do... I present to you my New Year's Boast.

In the Common Era Year of Two Thousand and Twenty-and-Six...

I shall become an author so mighty and popular that no other authors will matter! People will soon forget any other writer but the ones of good virtue. They shall say unto each other, "J. K. who?" and the works problematic shall wither into dust in comparison to mine. I shall gather unto myself so many royalties that I shall easily solve the world's woes with my wealth. And using that, I shall humiliate all the other egotistical kings and queens of the world by doing what they chose to neglect.

I shall ride mighty dolphins to foreign lands and punch the corrupt leaders in the face! With starmetal sword in hand, I shall journey far and wide to mete physical justice on the cowardly, yet powerful leaders of other nations. I shall make them beg on their knees for my mercy. They will find none, and I will bring their treasures with which to decorate my home and my loved ones. I shall distribute these treasures to my vassals and beautify their homes.

My creations shall become global phenomena! Not merely the weavings of my words, but also the creations of technology and art. Pseuducku will not merely be completed, but sweep the globe as a new puzzle game. It shall defeat the forces of dementia and lay waste unto them. My art shall be exhibited in the finest of galleries and fought over by the unworthy rich. Their own desperation to own my works shall render them impoverished in their battle of finances.

I shall burst the AI bubble! With starmetal sword in hand, I shall approach that hated bubble after defeating its thralls in bloody battle. I shall strike that despised inflation and render it unto the thin sheen of suds that it truly is. Lo, I shall revel in the wailing and gnashing of teeth from the loathsome tech bros as I render their house of cards unto flaming ruin!

I shall throw the biggest party for my thanes! Once all these mighty deeds are done, I shall gather all my thanes unto my feasting hall, and supply them with enough meat to feed a nation and enough mead to float us to the moon. There, in drunken valor, we shall conquer the moon men and take all their treasures as our own, and take their lands as ours. We shall dwell in moon luxury for all time thereafter, as legends among the stars.

Happy new year, y'all.