Hunting Down Agents

As you might be able to guess from the chosen picture, I'm having a little trouble getting authorial type representation. It's a scavenger hunt every single time I set up to pitch, and I have two big stumbling blocks. Summaries and Synopses. Yes, I have looked for advice on how to do that. Yes, I have gone down several rabbit holes. And you know what I keep finding? The same advice for both.

"Just sell your story."

My bitch (affectionate). What the flying red-tentacled fuck do you think I'm throwing my book at you for? If I could sell my story, I wouldn't need your gorram help!

Similarly, and everyone knows the chorus now - if I could tell my story in 2K words or less, I would have.

All these AI tools to "make writing easier" [HUGE asterisk there] and there's not a single one trained to do pitch-worthy summaries or synopses. Especially not ones that DO NOT feed your hard work to the plagiarism machine in the process.

I would be very happy to learn, by the way, that such tools exist. I would be extremely happy to own one. You know why? Because writing the dingdang story is the GOOD part, and anything else keeps me the heck away from that.

BUT... if I want to pitch to an agent, I have to supply them with literally everything they need to do the selling. Elevator pitch. Summary. Synopsis. Plot. Storylines. Tropes. Letter from their grandma...

Okay, the last few were jokes, but they're not far off.

Then there's the heartbreak of finding the agent that might just be perfect... and discovering they're not accepting submissions, check again later. It's exhausting. I would fit right in to your ManuScript Wish List... but you're on holiday or something.

Taking a sabbatical. Hiding in Majorca. Doing exclusive craftwork in Tanegashima. [Again, I joke]

I could check every day (and I sometimes do) and make certain I have everything on the posted checklist... and in the unlikely event they do open up again, they want something else that I have to spend time working on and when I'm done? Closed again.

Yes, I could be self-publishing, but I need people who know how to promote things so I can maybe actually earn something close to a living at this gag. And for that I need an agent. Someone who knows a way through the labyrinth to publishing houses who will actually get my stuff out there to said audiences.

Someone who knows how. To. Sell. Books.

I'm obviously shit at that. That's why I'm hunting LitAgents.

I've frequently been accused of being a good writer. I've been told I've got a knack for comedy as well. So... why is this part so hard? Why are LitAgents so elusive?

I believe in me.

Why won't anyone else?